Trying not to drink before my 12:30 class is the struggle of my morning
If I were another person, I go on, I wouldn’t want to deal with me, I don’t want to deal with me, It’s so hopeless, I want out of this life. I really do. I keep thinking that if I could just get a grip of myself, I could be all right again. I keep thinking I’m driving myself crazy, but I swear, I swear to God, I have no control. It’s so awful, It’s like some demons have taken over my mind. And nobody believes me, Everybody thinks I could be better if I wanted to. But I can’t be the old Karyn anymore, I can’t be myself anymore, I mean, actually, I am being myself right now and it’s horrible.”
“If i was another person, i wouldnt want to deal with me. I dont want to deal with me. Its so hopeless. I want out of this life. I really do. I keep thinking that if i could just get a grip on myself, I could be all right again. I keep thinking that I’m driving myself crazy, but I swear, I swear to god, I have no control. It’s so awful. It’s like demons have taken over my mind. And nobody believes me. Everybody thinks I could be better if I wanted to. But I can’t be the old me anymore. I can’t be myself anymore. I mean, actually, I am being myself right now and it’s so horrible.”
“I want to explain to him how exhausted I am, even in my dreams, how I wake up tired, how I’m being drowned by some kind of black wave, but I can’t write, and he doesn’t really wanna know about it anyway.”
I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it.
Sometimes I wish that there were a way to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt so bad the morning after.
One way to ensure i dont have sex tonight: add to my collection of scars
I just want to sleep.
Sleep eludes me these days however.
My depression swallows me and wont let me go.
All the reasons i am inadequate pile in my head; they make a list of why I am not good enough now, and why I will never be.
Sometimes I pray to make it through the night.
I will never be good enough for anyone else.
I will never be good enough for myself.
Sometimes I dont know if I am more afraid of living or dying.
So pleased with a day dream that now living is no good